Showing up

I am an amazing writer in my head. I sometimes lie awake at night composing literary masterpieces with just the right amount of wit, wisdom, and inspiration sure to make any audience gasp in awe. I am certain this dilemma is part of my insomnia issues. It seems these masterpieces are to only be enjoyed by my imaginary audience, God, and myself. Trying to recall my insomniac/narcissistic brilliance is like realizing that your pet unicorn is actually a pony. A really old, fat pony.

What I mean is: in the rare moments I sit down to the blank screen, the words are gone. And since I can’t even use the bathroom in private, you can guess how much quiet time I have to write. Yet despite my challenges in getting this done, it needs to be done. The words have to be released, somehow, since they are keeping me up at night.

As my favorite writer, Glennon Doyle Melton said the other night, following your dream isn’t glamorous at first. At first it’s just a lot of hard work. She inspired me to finally admit that this is my dream now and not just later. I’ve always said one of my lifetime goals was writing a book, but I’ve continually ignored my urges to write. That is for later, when I can think straight. Or for late at night when my imagination makes me believe I am Donald Miller or well… Glennon, of course.

In addition to making the time and space for writing, I am challenged by what to share. I want to be REAL. I want my vulnerability and authenticity to inspire others to do the same, just like my BFF, Glennon. (I promise I am only a normal amount of stalker). That’s how intimacy and love happen, after all. When we drop the pretense that we have our shit together, and allow ourselves to be known.

This vulnerability thing though, it’s not always simple. I still feel fear. I fear sharing too much. I fear I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. But, more importantly, I fear my clients may read it and I don’t want them to realize that I’m not a unicorn (or whatever they want to believe about me). Some clients enjoy knowing I’m a real person, but others don’t (and I’m not saying that’s wrong). I genuinely don’t want to mess that up for them. Or, even worse, I don’t want my clients to be distracted by my story in their sessions. I really love my clients, y’all. Oh yes, and I fear that you won’t like it, or me.

Life is balance and I’m all about trying to find it. It is a journey, friends. Figuring out how and what to write will be my new journey. I am just finally ready to SHOW UP.

my Sister Jenn, Glennon(!!!), and I

I walked away from this night meeting Glennon with my heart trying to bust out of my chest. There wasn’t a way to put any of it into words yet, no way to describe the joy and happiness I felt. So, I did the only reasonable thing: I cried! Crying, after all, expresses what words cannot.