I am an amazing writer in my head. I sometimes lie awake at night composing literary masterpieces with just the right amount of wit, wisdom, and inspiration sure to make any audience gasp in awe. I am certain this dilemma is part of my insomnia issues. It seems these masterpieces are to only be enjoyed by my imaginary audience, God, and myself. Trying to recall my insomniac/narcissistic brilliance is like realizing that your pet unicorn is actually a pony. A really old, fat pony.
What I mean is: in the rare moments I sit down to the blank screen, the words are gone. And since I can’t even use the bathroom in private, you can guess how much quiet time I have to write. Yet despite my challenges in getting this done, it needs to be done. The words have to be released, somehow, since they are keeping me up at night.
As my favorite writer, Glennon Doyle Melton said the other night, following your dream isn’t glamorous at first. At first it’s just a lot of hard work. She inspired me to finally admit that this is my dream now and not just later. I’ve always said one of my lifetime goals was writing a book, but I’ve continually ignored my urges to write. That is for later, when I can think straight. Or for late at night when my imagination makes me believe I am Donald Miller or well… Glennon, of course.
In addition to making the time and space for writing, I am challenged by what to share. I want to be REAL. I want my vulnerability and authenticity to inspire others to do the same, just like my BFF, Glennon. (I promise I am only a normal amount of stalker). That’s how intimacy and love happen, after all. When we drop the pretense that we have our shit together, and allow ourselves to be known.
This vulnerability thing though, it’s not always simple. I still feel fear. I fear sharing too much. I fear I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. But, more importantly, I fear my clients may read it and I don’t want them to realize that I’m not a unicorn (or whatever they want to believe about me). Some clients enjoy knowing I’m a real person, but others don’t (and I’m not saying that’s wrong). I genuinely don’t want to mess that up for them. Or, even worse, I don’t want my clients to be distracted by my story in their sessions. I really love my clients, y’all. Oh yes, and I fear that you won’t like it, or me.
Life is balance and I’m all about trying to find it. It is a journey, friends. Figuring out how and what to write will be my new journey. I am just finally ready to SHOW UP.
my Sister Jenn, Glennon(!!!), and I
I walked away from this night meeting Glennon with my heart trying to bust out of my chest. There wasn’t a way to put any of it into words yet, no way to describe the joy and happiness I felt. So, I did the only reasonable thing: I cried! Crying, after all, expresses what words cannot.
2 thoughts on “Showing up”
Yes! Write sister, write!
I can’t wait to read your literary masterpieces 🙂 Ralph Waldo Emerson (one of my literary heroes) once said, “Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”
I don’t know if this will be true for you, especially because of your profession, but it helped me tremendously to accept the fact that the words I write are first and foremost for me – an authentic operation of just “being an April”. The by-product – what readers get out of the words written – is almost always secondary. Being true to yourself and practicing your God-given talent will fill you up so so so much!
I don’t know if any of that makes sense to you, but I guess what it all boils down to is write your words and fear not. If it makes your heart full and happy, do it. It will undoubtedly make someone else’s heart very full and happy, too.
By the way, I LOVE Glennon, and I am currently tracking very closely with Donald Miller’s work, and going through his “Plan Your Life” workbook/video series. How insanely talented are those two? They’ve been such an inspiration to me lately…it’s so fun to see someone else loving them, too!
Can’t wait to see what’s next for you!
Thank you, thank you for your kind words, encouragement, and wisdom! I have learned how to live with fear and I mostly do a good job managing it. And by managing it, I mean, FEAR IS NOT THE BOSS OF ME. I love your blog and look forward reading more about your grandpa!